Coffee Talks

I walked by
a serious conversation
in a coffee shop
between father and son.
It all came back.
My knees went a little weak
Remembering
when he told mom.
When she held herself
composed
until we turned a corner
and then I thought
I'd have to carry her to the car.

I remember wishing
I could feel grief like that.

And I wondered
If the news
In the coffee shop today
was shaking their world
As mine had shaken.

In that moment,
Wishing I could go back
and hear it again,
To feel grief like that.

Still in the aftershocks
Even once it's over
And he's gone.

July

July.

The middle of life opening, 

for most

Is when he had to go.

His bad days became always

And what it meant changed

From sadness and stress

To death.

For a moment he stayed

Only to say

Of all the things he'd accomplished

We were the best.

And then he left.

First to sleep hours away,

Waking angry that we didn't wake him to say, 

"not yet -

There's still life to live!"

 

But what could we have said?

To wake the bones,

To take away the regret?

On the day his breath

Became rattled and ragged

I watched the sunrise.

Then went and told him

I watched it, for him -

The moment when the sunlight

Is enough to see the other side

But still the city lights shine

Bright enough.

The in-between,

He shared with me

Unknowingly.

We told him of his bravery

And grace.

We kissed his face,

And said, "we'll be ok."

This was today.

The mind I needed,

The voice that spoke to

Depths of soul and truth -

Cut through to it,

Gently, without apology.

Rests, 

finally, 

knowing

How powerful his love,

And that he's loved.

Close

Last night
He asked me to lay down beside him.
He held my head,
With both arms.

I was conscious of the weight
On his shoulder.
Of the bones
And frail.

Of his guitar nails
Tickling my shoulder
Like when I was a child.

I could hear his heartbeat
Unsteady.
Breath pausing for too long.
A slight movement made
So he'd inhale again.

Then he asked me
If I ever wondered about
Our minds being too closed...

I told him
Only when I think it's open.

The Truth About Life

Sometimes, your petals fall off.

Sometimes it's winter and
You search for water and green
But find a sea of white.

Sometimes you're the one cloud
Separate and lagging
Behind the rest racing for
An endless blue above the ocean.

Sometimes a smile
And a hand-hold
Mean the whole world.

Sometimes you need your kid
To read you Rumi.
To sit with you quietly
While you cry on the inside.

Until you wake up in the deepest breath,
The clarity that makes no sense
In all this fear of life and death,

We're blessed to be here.

Early Adieu

He told me today.
Aggressive and late detected.
For a moment I was 12.

I felt like my petals fell off
Like a strong current swept me,
Helpless and spinning
Tossed up and under
Blinded, childlike,

Powerless.

As if it were winter and
I bent towards earth buried.
Seeking, searching,
Water and green,
Beneath a sea of white.

Like I was the one cloud
Separate and lagging
Behind the rest racing for
An endless blue above the ocean.

Cancer.

Stopped me, spun me,
Unforgiving.

I watch closely now.
The eyes that are mine
In the face growing thin,
Pale
Talking quickly,
Guilt ridden.

"It's not your fault, Dad.",
I want to tell him.
Smile and show him I'm ok.
But my eyes are his and he knows
Their nuances.
The truth within the slight
Dampening
Dimming
Somber understanding.

Then I held it together,
Smiled, stayed practical.

I felt his heavy thanks,
The wave of graciousness.
I thought of his strength and pain,
This beautiful man trying to figure out the impossible;

How do you tell your child you’re dying?

We left smiling
I told a joke.
I hugged him close and he choked
On tears not meant to be seen.

Then we left cheerily.

Hung my head as soon as the car door closed.
Couldn't hold
My heart,
or him here.

It's ok.
This will fade into acceptance,
Re-connection,
peace and light for having such
A blessing.

You've been the best thing.
Taught me patience, love, understanding
Relinquishing the shallow things
Awareness of ego and
The soulful self reflection -

You were everything you should've been
For me.

There is greatness in him.
A man who stands beside a child and opens wide,
Unaware of what is shared with the world.
A man who sits with dying friends,
Who understands the loneliness,
Who hands out companionship,
Despite the cost in loss.

Don't doubt it now,
Reflect and feel your soul, proud,
Of all you leave behind.

Seven lovely lives,
that never would've been without you.

I'll take you where you wished you'd gone,
The Andes, Cuba, the amazon
We'll pray with shamans and walk the Inca trail.

Then visit cities, like new Orleans,
Boston, Memphis Tennessee,
All the blues bars, rock and jazz,
I'll hear you in the walls there,
Underneath the notes played,
Inside the knowing faces,
Of those who feel the same.

Your love lasts miles
Despite any distance.
There is music we can listen to,
Whenever we might need to hear you,
Landscape we can look upon,
To feel your hippie spirit, strong,
Rocking solos as you forget to breathe.

Now there's no need.

We'll take in all the air you left us
Ocean breezes, mountain echoes
Phone calls to answering machines
Messages you left me,
"Even the fucking bears would miss you if 
you were gone".
You will live on.

In every new dirt my feet land on
In every foreign face I lay eyes on
In all the life I come upon,
You'll be.

My father living through me.

Paper Yoga

The mail came.

I put it away.

Cleaning floors, dinner for four,
Cracked open doors.
Dog walks, tv talks, bedtime stories
Four nights ignored.

Now.

I lie on my back,

Breathing.

Pull knees to chest,

Plant feet.

Push shoulders apart,

Reach hips up -

Gently work towards 

The crack.

What my heart does, opening.

Colors of emotions.

My blood is rushing.

I breathe.

Throat choked in fear of

Feeling.

Memories flood and flow. 

Keep breathing.
Keep reaching until
It's open wide.

When there's nothing left
My body bends

Brings me to my side.

An infant,

Grieving innocence.